When the first X-Men movie came out, I wasn't completely blown over by it, but I was happy enough - Brian Singer had brought the characters to life. It was too much of an introduction movie for me to be completely happy about it, the same way I felt about the first Spiderman movie. And like the Spiderman franchise, I was VERY happy with the second installment. And like Spidey again, I was unsure about the third part - a bit overblown, with additional characters added in for the sake of pleasing the fanboys though adding nothing to the plot.
I wasn't sure what I was expecting with Wolverine's solo outing, but I didn't expect this.
The movie opened adequately enough, with a nod to the Origins book itself, and went on to a very cool montage showing how Logan and Creed fought pretty much every war America's been involved in.
And then, just like that, it all gradually nosedives.
Now, don't even get me started on the writing. There are so many characters added in for no fucking reason whatsoever, half of which were inspired by the past few years of X-Men comics and stuck in as if to satiate the needs of us comic geeks whilst at the same time showing how 'cool' their powers are, but are they really required? Last I checked, the movie was called 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine'. Just concentrate on fucking Logan and his relationship with Creed. Instead, we rush through Wolverine's entire story, using the moments in his life to jump from plot point to plot point in order to show sequences with a bunch of different mutants.
Seriously, why? Why is Scott Summers and Emma Frost even in this picture? Why have the Weapon XI storyline? Weapon XI is frickin' Deadpool?! I wasn't too sure about Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, even though I think the dude's great in anything he does and sure enough, the second we meet him we get a taste of that trademark smart-aleck banter that he can do with his eyes closed, but then he dissapears for the length of the movie until the end, where they've stitched the character's mouth shut and turned Deadpool into the ultimate Mortal Kombat character - Sub Zero's looks, Baraka's blades and the teleportation powers of the other dude besides Rayden with a wok on his head. Then there's Agent Zero - a very cool character from the Morrison run of 'New X-Men' now reduced to Stryker's lackey. Joy.
The most obvious pointless inclusion award has to go to Gambit, though. What a goddamn pointless exercise. There is absolutely no reason, no fucking reason at all, for Gambit to be in the picture. He has one cool fight sequence and helps bring up some exposition before bringing Wolverine to the third act. Fucking why?! It's blatantly obvious the only reason the dude's in there is because everybody's been complaining about how Gambit hasn't been in the movies considering that he's the coolest character of the comics after Wolverine himself and Taylor Kitsch plays it well, but this is what we get? This is all we get?
And it's not any of the actors fault. Most of the casts' characterization of these comic book legends are pretty spot-on, especially Liev Schrieber as Victor Creed. The bad memory of lumbering WWE champion Tyler Mane as Sabretooth is completely removed with Liev's performance and simple make-up as compared to Mane's fluffy boa ensemble. But here's the sad fact - Tyler Mane got the movie with the better script. Liev's stuck with some insanely dumb lines, as is everyone in the cast, and everybody tries to do the best with what they have but what they have ain't much. Not all the performances are great - why is there a Black Eyed Pea in the movie? Why not cast Fergie in the movie while you're at it? - but overall everyone tries their darndest to make the lines work.
Sorry, guys - they just don't.
But let's face facts. It's meant to be a big Hollywood movie, right? We're not supposed to expect a decent script, are we? No. I'll tell you what we're meant to expect - big, cool, action set pieces.
So why, oh God why, is the CGI so fucking horrendous?
Apart from the claws coming in and out, most of the time in the X-Men movies Wolvie's claws are props attached to him. Not here, no. 80% of the time his claws are computer graphics as he fights in a CGI-enhanced background together with other CGI effects and CGI bullets and CGI mattes...
...and it was so utterly beyond crap we weren't even pissed in the cinema. We were laughing our fucking asses off.
The basic rule of CGI has always been that as time passes, each new CGI movie makes the older CGI movies look crap in comparison (except for Terminator 2 - the CGI in that movie hasn't dated one bit) but this was just terrible. Wolverine's claws are now shinier, longer and faker than ever before. I think I would have enjoyed the movie more if I bought the bootleg DVD that was making the rounds for the past two weeks with the unfinished CGI because then I could just imagine how good it could have been. Have programmers gotten lazy? Have all the good ones been bought over by the Transformers post-production team? What the fuck is going on, godammit!?
I swear, Hollywood, I'm hurt. Hurt beyond recognition. Every movie I've gone to in the cinema this year has been either dissapointing, infuriating or just plain shit. And what's more, thanks to this run of crap Kitty now thinks I'm a jinx when it comes to watching movies in the cinema because every movie I've taken her to since we've started dating has been so utterly beyond salvation. None of the smaller movies make it on the big screen here, Hollywood, only your big-ass franchises, and every single one has sucked balls. The only movie that came out in the cinemas here that I enjoyed was 'Slumdog Millionaire', and I watched that on DVD because I didn't think it was coming out (although I discovered from Col. Kurtz that it was censored pretty heavily, so I'm glad I watched it on the small screen). 'The Wrestler' didn't come out in cinemas here, I had to buy the DVD too. I doubt 'The Brothers Bloom' will be on the big screen here either. Or 'Inglorious Basterds'. Or 'Drag Me To Hell', 'Crank 2', 'Downloading Nancy', 'Paper Heart', 'Public Enemies', 'Facing Ali' or 'Soul Power'.
My last hopes are left on 'Star Trek', 'Transformers' and 'Terminator: Salvation' as far as big budget movies go. I might go check out the lattest Potter flick or 'Angels & Demons' and I hope 'The Taking of Pelham 123', 'Coraline' and 'Where the Wild Things Are' come out here.
But if Trek, Transformers or Terminator suck, that's it. No more. I shall not step into a local cinema for a while. This is too fucking much. What is going on, Hollywood? Is the recession that depressing that you've forgotten how to entertain? I don't expect you to make me think, or make me marvel at how brilliantly crafted a plot is. I only expect you to entertain me for two hours. To make my popcorn worthwhile and give me the opportunity to discuss the movie with my friends at length. I am sick of stepping out of the cinema shell-shocked.
Do something. Please. Because right now the only movies I want to see I can only get bootlegged, and you have only yourself to blame.
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