... the DVD man comes over to the office, selling his wares. At RM8 a pop, one can't resist his occasionally less-than-satisfactory copies. In his big bag of goodies there's also a black plastic bag. In the black plastic bag are secret treats.
And by secret treats, we mean smut.
Occasionally I'll flip through his selection and pick up a copy of "Feeding Frenzy" or "Boy Meats Girl", but I'd always flip right past the Japanese porn. The Japs are disturbed in their sexual ways, as many of you know.
However, today curiosity got the better of me and I decided to actually have a look at the cover of these Japanese schoolgirl fetish freaks. And I couldn't help laughing like a hyena at a Chris Rock show. You know bad Japanese translations? They've got them on the cover of porno's too.
And I love them. Here's a taste from today's selection:
First off, we have the Sweet Peach Pie 2, with a tagline that reads 'Masturbation with vibrator! Feeling like to do blow job and be shot cum!'
Be shot cum? Who be shot cum? You be shot cum? Grammar isn't really their strong point, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Next up, The Mouth Skill: 'Service false experience of a super idol mouth!!! It has a super idol's clothes on and is service of a mouth.'
Number one: what super idol are you talking about exactly? Number two, why would I want a false experience? I think 'service of a mouth' is a blowjob, but what's all this 'false experience' baloney?!
Erotic Venus takes it a step further: 'Do you wanna fuck??? These girls are full of holls what we enjoy sticking into. Have you thrown such a sexual orgy? Did you feel special ecstacy, didn't you?'
First off, that's not a typo, it says 'holls'. And as for that last sentence, Is it past tense, present? Who or what is it referring to? I'm confused!! When did buying porn get so confusing?!
And finally, my personal favourite, Zoom Vol.9 - 'This DVD series are recorded with perfect document that popular actressed did hard-fuck madly under violentsituation. This is the most exciting film of which is gathered lots of the best zoom-up from angle of the most sensual!!!'
I never knew you could past-tense 'actress'. And as for doing 'hard-fuck madly under violentsituation', was that consensual? Very disturbing, this hard-fuck madly. I've known many who have done an equivalent of a hard-fuck madly, but not under 'violentsituation', that's just wrong.
Then again, there's not much 'right' about the Japanese when it comes to sex. Someone I've just gotten to know is over in Tokyo right now and she'll be there for a year. If she's reading this, please, for the love of God, try not to engage in any hard-fuck madly under violentsituation and keep your holls covered. You might be shot cum.
After laughing merrily, I gave the dude back his black plastic bag of DVD's and bought Harold & Kumar (with extras now!) and Last Crusade. I can live without feel special ecstacy did you in perfect document have false experiences.
