Three to four years ago, I was blogging at 20six about how I wanted to be a director. I wanted the grab the bull by its bollocks and do what I've always wanted to do since I was a kid - filmmaking.
Cut to today, and as I sit here typing this I wonder whether I'm even cut out for the job, whoring myself for some piss poor excuse of a script so badly written Uwe Boll would reject it.
The whoring isn't something I've been wrestling with in my conscious too much, though it does bug me from time to time. I was originally offered to write this pathetic attempt at storytelling under the supervision of another writer, and made the decision then and there, after looking through the story notes and character sheets and doing up rough first draft and seeing the comments made, that I could not do this job without changing my credit to 'Mike Hunt', and even then, it would be an insult to the gag. God knows I needed the money but I couldn't continue with a clear conscious.
When they offered me the job of directing it, I was even more in debt than when they offered the writing gig, and hadn't had a paying job in over five months. But the reason i took the job wasn't only because of desperation and a hunger to eat something decent. It represented a challenge that almost taunted me, in a way. It would give me a chance to prove myself in the mainstream world. It was also a lot easier on my conscious because I'm one of the few people who believes the writer is a smidgen more important than the director. I can live with being called a crap director (and, to a lot of people out there, I am, and have been told so) but to be called a crap writer would insult the almighty fuck out of me.
Coming from an independent background, I'm used to continuing on in the face of faeces flying furiously from afar. When you're used to doing a lot of low to no budget filmmaking you figure out very quickly the shortcuts and ins and outs, so putting up with the most poorly managed shoot imaginable didn't seem too daunting for me.
Until now.
I've tried to make the best of a bad situation, day in and day out. If you've ever met me in the past few weeks and asked how the shoot is, you'd know that things are never going swimmingly. But the events of today have really made me wonder - am I cut out for this life? Am I meant to be a screaming, egoistic asshole of a director to get anything fucking done around here, to get a little respect? Is that what's expected of me? Am I meant to lose my temper on a daily basis, throw a tantrum, have chairs fly left right and centre? Is that what I have to do to get respect around here? Is that what is expected of a director, a leader?
Because I don't believe that. I refuse to believe that that is how a director is supposed to act, I flat out refuse. I hear so many stories of local mainstream directors with egos as big as an elephants left nut and they produce the most unwatchable shit imaginable. I have always believed that a leader should be able to do everything he expects his followers to do, nothing more, nothing less (I think that's an Alexander quote). I strongly believe in leading by example, and whilst it works for a large percentage of my team, there's that 10% that aren't getting the picture.
And then there's those occasional looks. Fuck the looks, an actress flat out asked me today whether i realize, as a director, i have the most power on this set. But as much as I'd like to believe that, I know it's false, because this isn't my production and I feel about as revered and respected by the producers as a fart in the wind.
I took on this job to increase my job scope, get my name more out there and scope for potential crew members and actors and actresses for future jobs, but after the events of today I wonder what those who I'd like to work with again even think of me. Do they see me the same way the numerous so-called bigwigs in this country see me? A young, inexperienced filmmaker who made a short film or two with an English/American accent with no connections?
I wanted to make my name in this line of work by my work, not by sucking reams of cock, but even though I haven't got a mouthful of jizz I still feel like an underpaid whore. I wanted to refrain, as much as I could, from publicly bad mouthing this job and making any comments about the script, and tomorrow I'll probably be a lot calmer and continue as normal and 'assume the position', but I've had it up to here with the everyday crap this job entails and currently couldn't give two fucks and a doggy biscuit if the producers catch wind of this post and decide to fire me.
