Ode to Kitty

For all my bitching and whining and emo-ing and criticizing, things have been getting better this past year. Jobs have been pretty constant, creativity has improved and life in general has been getting better. There have been downers, yes, and stepbacks too, but that's the thing - life won't be like it used to when I would go full steam ahead without noticing the world around me because the events that changed all that happened and there's no going back. Besides, as much as I miss those times, they weren't real. There were many things wrong which I simply ignored. Now the good and the bad come in equal doses, and I still haven't truly figured out how to handle the bad that well, but over time I'm sure I will.

And though she can't account for all the improvements in my life, Kitty has played a vital part, an important part. She's been my muse when I've been out of ideas, my sanity when I lose it, my comfort when I'm down and makes me smile when I frown. Though I know it pains her every time and sometimes flat out pisses the shit out of her and frustrates her, she's been there.

I can't describe how much I'm thankful to Kitty. True, there have been arguments and spats and flat out fights and sometimes she does drive me up the wall, but the good is so intensely good, her presence so welcome even when she's in a mood. I care for her in a way I haven't cared for someone in such a long time. An hour with her, some cigarettes and a cup of coffee is more enjoyable than five hours on a rollercoaster.

(Though I don't think five hours on a rollercoaster non-stop would be enjoyable for anyone, but you get the drift).

She's fun, she's kooky, she's intelligent and witty, she's super sexy and makes me smile by just looking at her. She's insane in ways that endear and insanely focused in ways that scare me. She's incredibly talented in ways she'll never know and more patient than she gives herself credit for.

She's also an infuriating pain-in-the-ass at times, but nobody's perfect. Why search for perfection in a mortal? And if you think about it real hard, perfection is boring.

I couldn't have reached this stage of my life without Kitty. Though there are ups and downs, I wouldn't give up the way Kitty makes me feel for all the tea in China.

(What the fuck would I do with all that tea anyway?)

I know my emo-ness and general actions are intensely infuriating for her at times and the last thing I'd ever want is to push her away. She's been a constant companion and a wonderful friend, and this ode has been long overdue.

Kitty, we salute you.

And before you say anything, this was the least sickeningly cute pic I could find when I typed 'kitty wave' on Google images. For some reason typing 'kitty salute' got me porn links.

I don't understand the internet.

This Is How I Remember Him

 

In a white suit and fedora, singing 'Smooth Criminal' in the 'Moonwalker' movie (click the pic to check out the whole 9 and a half minute sequence).

I loved this moment in the movie. It brought about my love for suits, a love I carried on till I was in my early twenties and arrived in Malaysia where wearing a suit everyday was not a viable option. I loved the moves, the coreography, the coolness of it all and the song. That song was a brilliant piece of pop music.

Right now I'm listening to 'The Way You Make Me Feel' and I think about how much we all ridiculed the King of Pop, how he was such an easy target for the press. But just listen to one of his songs and it makes you realize one inalienable truth -

This man knew how to do pop music, and pop music hasn't reached it's heights since.

We live in an age where everything is designed for maximum catchiness at the shortest span of time, we are bombarded with imagery of the latest hip new trends in music and everything sounds exactly the same as everything else. Hell, even so-called lo-fi garage rock has been put through the corporate-homogenizer, pre-packed and survey-tested.

Michael Jackson's music was pop music that everybody could appreciate it. And it was original, it was fresh and it was exciting. Why do people sick of the current radio-friendly pop trends search far and wide for obscure music for them to discover? Because pop music isn't as exciting as it was when MJ was at his peak.

Whatever his sins, whatever his eccentricities, he will be missed and he will be remembered.

Acting, Or Something Like It

Howdy, campers. Once again, I've been MIA for work reasons - in particular, working on 'Cahaya', the upcoming feature film written and directed by Johan John where I was a producer, a role I've never played before. But the post on my role as producer will have to wait as I'm not in the mood to write about that yet. No, what's on my mind are the other roles I've been playing over the past six months... as an 'actor'.
My first steps towards being a filmmaker were in acting. Drama was one of my GCSE's and around the same time I started writing scripts, both for the drama class as well as for my English language class where the teacher allowed me to hand in scripts for my coursework as opposed to the usual assignments.
In university, same thing - started acting first in the drama society as well as teaching improvisation before writing and directing two of my own plays.

And then, of course, there was 'Ciplak'.

Since then I didn't really get any acting roles. I remember when I wanted to play the 'supercop' in the terrorist episode of 'Ampang Medikal' that I was directing only to have the executive producer tell me I wasn't 'classically handsome' enough to play the role.

Directing the second series really took its toll on me, both physically and creatively, and so I thought for the beginning part of 2009 I'd chill for a bit from the directing side until I figured out something to write that I'd really want to direct, and in the mean time do more writing and acting. On the writing side, there were seven episodes of season 2 of Ghost which I also directed an episode for (which was episode four). On the acting side, things have been a bit more... varied.

Around January I got a call from a friend of Reverend Ed's who was directing season two of 'Hartamas', a series on NTV7. One of the actors pulled out and they needed someone within the next couple of hours to play one of the roles - 'a real rocker dude' was the brief I was given. I didn't have anything on and rushed over where they duly dressed me up like this:

The episode aired recently and I caught it on youtube which you can find by clicking here. It's a slapstick sitcom with some soap opera drama in there as well. What do I think about it?

No comment.

What I will say is this - watching the episode made me think about the acting roles I've been playing this year and I'm not sure what to make of it, though I can say the feelings aren't positive.

After this I was offered a role on a friend's telemovie, 'Puaka Topeng Putih' (you can click the title to see the trailer though I'm nowhere in it) where I played an emo guy who's brother is accidentally pushed off a cliff by a bunch of girls and one year later I get my revenge by wearing a white mask, wielding a machete and walking very slowly.

Sound familiar?

To save money they got one of their interns to double as me for all the masked scenes and I just turned up on the days my character had lines. Wasn't much in the script for me to play with as an actor besides cry at a steering wheel after hearing that the girls, all at least a good foot shorter than me, pushed my brother off a cliff. Their reason? He ratted on them to the teacher.

After that was a role on season two of Ghost in one of the episodes which hasn't aired yet so I will tell you nothing for fear of the producers sending a SWAT team into my house to silence me before hacking into my main frame and deleting all reference to the role in question.

...shit, sorry. Been watching too much 24, got a bit carried away there.

The next role was a cameo in Johan John's movie 'Cahaya' where I played an asshole husband (pic on the right). I was hoping I'd get to cameo as a more interesting character but then again, I had a shit load of work to deal with as a producer so I doubt I'd have had time to put any work into a proper role.

Last but not least, there's the most recent role I've played which was in Jordan and Dique's short film. I got the call about it whilst I was still on the 'Cahaya' set, then when it was closer to the shooting date I found out what type of character I was playing:

An old religious man who catches two kids making out in a car and tries to stop them until an army of riot control police pop up from behind which is why I'm in the pic above on top of a car. This was probably the most fun to do, though a very weird choice of casting I must say. Never thought I'd be hired to play that.

Watching the 'Hartamas' episode got me thinking about all these roles - a stoned eighties rock drummer, an emo serial killer, a CENSORED, a jackass husband and an old religious man - tiny little roles peppered in with not much for me to really bite my teeth into and 'act' in. Sometimes it's the role, sometimes it's the script and sometimes it's just the way it is.

To be fair, all of the roles except for the short film one were for TV, which may explain why the short film was the most fun, but it'd be nice to do something where I can say "ok... this is gonna need more than just pulling a stereotype/archetype from out of my ass". I'd like to be able to do some theatre but doubt I'd have the time for rehearsals.

I'm not sure what to think of all this except that I'd really like the opportunity or chance to really act in something again. I know one of the simplest solutions would be to write something I could act in which I also direct, but here's the thing - the character I played in 'Ciplak' was one that was close enough to me for me to be able to pull him out at the drop of a hat. I wrote him that way because I knew I'd be playing him and I didn't want to be too swamped as a director. One thought is to write something for me to act in but get someone else to direct but I'm not sure what at the moment.

I miss acting. I miss getting into a character that's foreign to me, trying to figure out how exactly I should play it. I miss going through my lines, rehearsing, reacting to another actor and getting the ball really rolling in a scene. I miss that, and I hope I'll get to do it again soon.

And hopefully before I reprise my role as 'Gajah'.

Busy Beavers and Possible Nuttiness

So yeah, it's been one of those months.

The lack of blogging this time has nothing to do with not knowing whether I can talk about the issues in my head or general malaise, but purely because I've been working my ass off on Johan John's upcoming flick Cahaya, of which I am producer and DIT. For me to describe all the hardships and mental-ness of this shoot on my side would take too long and my heads not in the right place for it right now, though I will say this - it looks good. insanely good. I'm hella proud of the bald one for this, and as much as this has been a helluva lot of insanely stressful and hard work, I can see his vision as a writer and director coming into fruition and that's good.

However, like I said above, the heads not in the right place these days. Something is wrong with the head. In fact, there's something wrong in general and it's frickin' annoying because it's something I honestly don't know how to solve. I know, technically, the solution, I just can't honestly do the solution, if that makes any sense.

Things aren't right in the head and heart. Not since the Angry Fat Man. This I know. The non-rightness is coming out in random expressions of irrational negativity which is either worrying or frustrating or flat out pissing off those around me. But I don't see how there could be any Closure. This isn't like the bad times, this is different. It's different, new and incredibly insane and it's driving me nuts. I can feel my body and my mind and my heart and soul affected and so far all attempts to move on have been short-lived.

And here's the thing - I know what this can lead to, I know what changes it can bring about in my character and personality if I let it, and it's not something I want. In fact, it's something I've strived my whole life not to be - bitter and angry, placing the blame on everything and everyone for my own shortcomings. And patterns of my past life do not apply to this. This is a New Thing and I'm not sure how Closure can be achieved.

I certainly have no interest in ever meeting the Angry Fat Man ever again. There's nothing the Angry Fat Man could do or so that could make things better. And there's nothing I can think of to say or do to the Angry Fat Man to make things better either. What I do know is this - for most of my life the main problem I've dealt with is depression, an incredibly internal self-loathing. But now, it's different - now the feelings are stronger and pointed outwards. Now there are feelings of anger and hate.

I can feel the rage inside me, I see it bubble and boil every now and then. It feels even more irrational and more uncontrollable than depression because there's a big difference between being emo and being angry - one has a long fringe that covers half the face and the other has a long machete that will slice half your face. It's not good.

I don't know what I need at this point - anger management? An aromatherapy massage? Head relief?
I'm seeing now how much and how long these issues have affected me, and I haven't fully moved on, just kept it below the surface, and every once in a while it bubbles up in the form of some misguided bullshit - anger, jealousy, bitterness, hatred, envy - all those negative emotions that guarantee an Oscar if you play them right.

Or if you play a mental. You're guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental.

Strangely, the most therapeutic thing for me is to write it all out. Last night I could feel those strange, weird, irrational feelings surface, and I started typing away and things felt a bit better after that. No one will ever read what I wrote last night, but it felt a lot better writing it. The same way writing this right now feels a bit better. I only feel my migraine between pauses and only when I stretch back from hunching over and typing this will I feel the shoulder aches. No one will probably read this and that doesn't matter. What matters is the act.

Time to go now. Time to pry my fingers away from the keyboard and go back to the grind. Till things calm down, then. Till the calm before the storm.