So yeah, it's been one of those months.
The lack of blogging this time has nothing to do with not knowing whether I can talk about the issues in my head or general malaise, but purely because I've been working my ass off on Johan John's upcoming flick Cahaya, of which I am producer and DIT. For me to describe all the hardships and mental-ness of this shoot on my side would take too long and my heads not in the right place for it right now, though I will say this - it looks good. insanely good. I'm hella proud of the bald one for this, and as much as this has been a helluva lot of insanely stressful and hard work, I can see his vision as a writer and director coming into fruition and that's good.
However, like I said above, the heads not in the right place these days. Something is wrong with the head. In fact, there's something wrong in general and it's frickin' annoying because it's something I honestly don't know how to solve. I know, technically, the solution, I just can't honestly do the solution, if that makes any sense.
Things aren't right in the head and heart. Not since the Angry Fat Man. This I know. The non-rightness is coming out in random expressions of irrational negativity which is either worrying or frustrating or flat out pissing off those around me. But I don't see how there could be any Closure. This isn't like the bad times, this is different. It's different, new and incredibly insane and it's driving me nuts. I can feel my body and my mind and my heart and soul affected and so far all attempts to move on have been short-lived.
And here's the thing - I know what this can lead to, I know what changes it can bring about in my character and personality if I let it, and it's not something I want. In fact, it's something I've strived my whole life not to be - bitter and angry, placing the blame on everything and everyone for my own shortcomings. And patterns of my past life do not apply to this. This is a New Thing and I'm not sure how Closure can be achieved.
I certainly have no interest in ever meeting the Angry Fat Man ever again. There's nothing the Angry Fat Man could do or so that could make things better. And there's nothing I can think of to say or do to the Angry Fat Man to make things better either. What I do know is this - for most of my life the main problem I've dealt with is depression, an incredibly internal self-loathing. But now, it's different - now the feelings are stronger and pointed outwards. Now there are feelings of anger and hate.
I can feel the rage inside me, I see it bubble and boil every now and then. It feels even more irrational and more uncontrollable than depression because there's a big difference between being emo and being angry - one has a long fringe that covers half the face and the other has a long machete that will slice half your face. It's not good.
I don't know what I need at this point - anger management? An aromatherapy massage? Head relief?
I'm seeing now how much and how long these issues have affected me, and I haven't fully moved on, just kept it below the surface, and every once in a while it bubbles up in the form of some misguided bullshit - anger, jealousy, bitterness, hatred, envy - all those negative emotions that guarantee an Oscar if you play them right.
Or if you play a mental. You're guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental.
Strangely, the most therapeutic thing for me is to write it all out. Last night I could feel those strange, weird, irrational feelings surface, and I started typing away and things felt a bit better after that. No one will ever read what I wrote last night, but it felt a lot better writing it. The same way writing this right now feels a bit better. I only feel my migraine between pauses and only when I stretch back from hunching over and typing this will I feel the shoulder aches. No one will probably read this and that doesn't matter. What matters is the act.
Time to go now. Time to pry my fingers away from the keyboard and go back to the grind. Till things calm down, then. Till the calm before the storm.
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