The Breakdown

Last night I broke down.

Couldn't help it. I was on the phone with my girlfriend when I just broke down and bawled my eyes out.

I know that I usually joke about the physical pain my body's going through, and the mental pain, and my extreme lethargy and lack of sleep, but joking about it and not taking it too seriously keeps me going.

But not last night. Last night I just wanted it all to go away. The movie, the music, the job, everything. It was one of those moments where I wished everyone would just fuck off and leave me be in a room full of pizza, DVD's and a PS2 on a comfy bed with a TV that works and a room temperature that doesn't cause me to either sweat or sneeze uncontrollably.

I wanted respite.

But the fact of the matter is I know I'm close. I'm so fucking close to getting there that it would make no sense whatsoever to give up now.
But I'm still not there. And by God it would be such a relief to just throw in the towel and say, "that's it! I've had it! Fuck it all!"

Jay asked me why I don't cut down a bit on some of the stuff I'm doing. But there's nothing to cut. The movie's almost done, the Y2k album's about to be launched, Triple 6 Poser have been waiting to record for ages, the studio's almost up, there are numerous video jobs lined up (music videos and weddings)...

What the fuck am I supposed to cut down on?
So, no. We keep on trekking. And there ain't no turning back,
I'll keep on trekking even if I get a heart attack,
With cigarettes in one hand and a keyboard on my left,
A runny nose, a cough and cold, my left ear going deaf,
With caffeine pumping through the veins and red dots in my eyes,
A milky, phleghmy aftertaste and aching, burning thighs,
With painful shoulders, heavy head and never getting rest,
A neck so stiff it can't turn left, a cyst upon my chest,
A chin that has not seen a shaving blade in quite a while,
As somehow all my muscles try to pull an almost-smile,
Through late nights sat in front of my unbalanced PC screen,
I'd rather fuck a goat than throw away my childhood dreams.

Adieu.

...wah. Aku berpantun, sial.