The Reason Why

I'm tired as fuck. My lack of sleep has left me with a permanent headache. Was up till 2.00am editing the footage to see what shots worked and what needed to be reshot (all the close ups of me, for one. Completely wrong angle). Didn't sleep til about three or four and had some fucked up dreams to boot (one involved roti canai. The other involved me sending sms's that left me searching through my phone once I woke up to check my 'sent items' folder and find out whether I did send them or not).

I'm sat here in the office now, this headache pulsating in my skull, and I'm still thinking about the damn movie. If it wasn't for this movie I'd be relaxing at home after work, watching a DVD and chilling out. I'd spend my weekends doing the same. Maybe read a book. Or go jogging (or is it 'yogging'... it might be a silent 'j').

But I can't stop.

When I was a kid I saw Back to the Future and it stuck in my head like a superglue post-it note. This was followed by other favourites, such as the Indiana Jones movies, the Goonies, etc. These movies took me to another world.

Then I saw Goodfellas, read the script to Reservoir Dogs, discovered Empire magazine, purchased 'Clerks' out of curiosity and marvelled at the lo-budget creativity of Robert Rodriguez.

I was changed.

You see, I love telling stories (not lies, stories). All the songs I wrote in all the bands I've been in were, in essence, stories. Stories with characters, story arcs and conclusions. And movies seemed like the best form to tell a story (although many of you would debate this) due to the sheer amount of creative processes that are involved in it: writing, acting, art direction, cinematography, music composition, the list goes on.

And I have always wanted to make a movie.

This 'movie' I'm working on, Ciplak, I've been scrutinizing to all hell. I've never wanted to reshoot things before, but this time there's so much I want to reshoot and redo. I want it to work, I want it to be to the best of my ability.

Because, deep down, I'm hoping and praying this is my ticket out.

Not to fame and fortune, not to a life of excess that would make Martin Sheen and Robert Downey Jnr go, "I was never that fucked up!", but a ticket out of the regular road of life and into a world where I can do what I've always wanted to do for the rest of my life: make movies.

And the annoying thing is that I'm discovering so many mistakes as I keep going through the movie. I wish I had a full two weeks blocked off so I could just spend it shooting this bugger instead of having these five/six day gaps in between shoots. I want this movie to look good. What I don't want is a movie that my friends will think is cool but the general public think is so-so. I want to make a good movie, godammit.

My head hurts badly. I could make the headaches go away in a flash if I just say 'fuck it. I'm not cut out for this shit yet. Let's wait till I'm ready'.

But I could be waiting for the rest of my life. Fuck that.