Chicks Who Suck and the Literature They Come From

'Twilight' has well and truly fucked us all.

I was walking around Borders with the Tamagotchi, randomly looking around the numerous sections of the bookstore, when we found ourselves walking past the 'romance' section, curious to see what was currently thought of as romantic literature. We had hoped to find some humorous Mills & Boon illustrations of muscular highwaymen and countesses with heaving bossoms, but instead we discovered something quite disturbing.

Today's romantic fantasy is all about vampires. And I'm quite sure that it's got something to do with the popularity of the Twilight series in pop culture. But not only that, it's crossed over to all forms of romantic literature. These aren't just gothic romance novels, this is something a lot more mind-numbing.

Let us examine, shall we?

Exhibit A: Twilight Fall

Description: Immortal Darkyn Lord Valentin Jaus and landscape artist Liling Harper are two lost souls. Brought together by fate, bound together by passion, Valentin and Liling find solace in each other’s arms. But the ties that bind them are deeper—and more dangerous—than either of them can possibly imagine…

I just love that opening line. The juxtaposition of an Immortal Darkyn, probably a higher order of vampire type blood sucky people, a great race who lives amongst the shadows... and he falls in love for a glorified gardener.

Exhibit B: The Devil's Due

Description: "Trust me or die…" That’s the choice Morgan Kingsley, exorcist, is given by the gorgeous rogue demon who’s gotten inside her. The truth is, Morgan has dozens of reasons not to trust anyone, from the violence that torched her house and killed her father to a love life that’s left her questioning her relationship with her erstwhile boyfriend, Brian. But Lugh, a king among demons, won’t take no for an answer. He’s prying into her body, her mind, even her sex life. And he’s just pulled Morgan into a power struggle that could have devastating consequences for both the human and demon worlds.

So... she's a female exorcist with trust issues stemming from daddy issues... and she has a demon 'inside' her. Who's prying on her sex life with Brian, the erstwhile boyfriend.

I'm really struggling to take this seriously as a great work of fiction.

Exhibit C: Sex and the Single Vampire

Description: If Allie doesn't find a ghost soon, her short career as a "Summoner" with United Psychical Research Association will be a thing of the past, so naturally she is delighted to find what she thinks is the tortured spirit of a gorgeous, naked, wounded man.

Is this romantic literature or horror porn?

Incidentally, the same author has published other books with titles more inane than the last, such as:-

And my personal favourite:

It's on the New York Times frickin' bestseller list! It must be good!

Exhibit D: Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs

Description: Jane Jameson’s mama said there’d be days like this. Fired as the children’s librarian in Half Moon Hollow, Kentucky; broken-down car late at night. But mama didn’t think about the possibility of Jane getting shot by a deer hunter and left for dead. Or being made the undead by Gabriel Nightengale so she’d have a second chance at, well, life. Adjusting to life without chocolate and sunbathing—never mind a job—has its challenges, but sexy Gabriel is one major perk. If only she can figure out how to tell her parents about her new liquid diet. And who is trying to frame her for murder?

First off, what kind of self respecting vampire would call themselves 'Gabriel Nightengale'? Secondly, after being turned into a vampire, would your primary worries be chocolate and sunbathing? Thirdly, what's up with the murder-framing sub-plot?

And finally, who the fuck reads this drivel?

Exhibit E: Undead and Un-something-or-other

An entire series of these. An entire-frickin'-series. And what's it all about? Well, here's the description from the first of the series, 'Undead and Unwed':

Betsy Taylor--former model, newly unemployed secretary, 30, and still single--wakes up after being flattened by a small SUV in a tacky coffin wearing cheap knock-off shoes. Her mother is glad she is back, albeit as a vampire, but her stepmother is enraged that Betsy has reclaimed her designer-shoe collection. With a wealthy best friend and a newly acquired doctor pal who is not susceptible to her formidable allure, she sets out to right wrongs but is abducted by Nostro, a tacky 500-year-old vampire who rules the undead roost. It seems that Betsy is an anomaly: a vampire who doesn't burn in sunlight, can fight the urge to feed, and is not repulsed by religious articles, all of which may make her the prophesied Queen of the Vampires. Teaming up with gorgeous vampire Eric Sinclair, who is in her opinion a major pervert, she takes on Nostro and his minions.


You know you're reading chick-lit when, even in death, shoes are the most important thing to point out.

Exhibit F: Succubus in New York

Description: Love is a tough game when you're in the succubus business - and Lily's been left mourning the departure of her dashing PI, Nathan. But being one of Satan's Chosen has its perks, and she and her stylishly-shod cohorts throw themselves back into soul-collecting with a vengeance - until they realise that someone in the ranks of the Hierarchy of Hell is gunning for their downfall. Meanwhile, Lily's best friend's demon boyfriend is kidnapped, the girls hire Nathan to help find him, and Lily's tropical vacation fling is back on the scene, determined to win her, and the assassins are closing in. Hell ain't all it's cracked up to be, sometimes...


So, in a nutshell, it's Sex in the City... except all the men the women shag die.

I really don't know what to say about all these. In essence, most of them are the same chick-lit style romance books one would expect to find in the 'romance' section except all the women are vampires. The only major difference is adding 'avoid sunlight' to the other major problems women seem to go through which, from the evidence of these books, consists entirely on footwear, chocolate and the Right Man.

The romantic vampire story is no longer in the exclusive domain of goth literature - Bridget Jones has been bitten by the vampires... but apart from that, nothing changes.