What Women Want

For a moment, just a moment, I discovered what it's like to be a woman.

For the past few days my tummy's been giving me a bit of a problem. For a while it was constipated and there was a lot of gas related pain. Today, however, it seems to have turned into flaming diarrhea, probably as a result of the cilli tuna sandwiches and Maggi tom yam I've been eating today, leaving my corn-hole feeling like a car lighter.

So for the better part of the evening I had been hitting the toilet, and even though my ass felt like a Johnny Cash song ("Burning Ring of Fire", in case you were wondering), I was glad. At least it wasn't stuck and at least I didn't have the sharp gas pains anymore.

I must have gone up to the toilet about two or three times to take a dump and at one point went just to take a piss. About ten minutes ago, I went up to the toilet once again to take another dump. I grabbed a copy of Hellblazer (the Garth Ennis run), lit up a cigarette...

...and I almost fell butt first into the toilet.

It turns out when I went to pee earlier I didn't put the toilet seat down. I understood the logic as to why women get mad when you don't put the toilet seat down but I always felt that if you're going to the toilet you'd check the status of the toilet seat and if it's up, put it down, the same way I'd expect any self respecting male to lift the toilet seat when they piss because no matter how big your cock is you can only aim that thing with, at the very most, 75% accuracy. Sometimes that dick will spray in directions you never thought was possible, such is the unpredictability of the penis.

But when I went up to take a dump it was second nature to just sit down because that's what I'd been doing for the past couple of hours and it never occured to me to check the toilet seat. Men (or at least, men like me) check the toilet seat's status because we stand for number one and sit for number two, but women do it all sitting down. It's second nature for them to take a seat without thinking because it's the default setting.

So there I was, my butt inches away from drowning in toilet water, offered a tiny glimpse of what it must be like to be a woman.