Fear & Loathing in LA

Over twenty hours before the revelation of Jesus' weather-changing powers I was in a bus leaving from Media Prima in Bandar Utama to the KLIA airport together with 31 other assorted filmmakers, actors, producers and crew members, the majority of them winners of the Anugerah Skrin (myself included) together with people from Melodi, MHI and the Breakfast Show. Part of the prize was a trip to Hollywood to check out how the big boys make movies, and perhaps be inspired in our next endeavours. We went, we saw, we gaped and awed, and if you think I'm going to write about all of it here in one sitting you must be out of your mind.

Besides, even if I wanted to tell you all of it, it wouldn't be wise. I've taken a step into the Industry, and in the Industry, certain things are kept on the hush-hush for fear of ignorant press write-ups, sensationilist rumours and gossip-mag bollocks. Thank God I'm not too steeped into it just yet, my identity still not well known enough that I can safely put up this picture of me hanging out in front of Denny's at three o' clock in the morning with a copy of L.A. X-Press, smoking a cigarette. These are good times, and if ever I take one step too far into the Industry this picture may be deleted, along with my numerous posts alluding to sexually deviant behaviour and Jo Guest.

But don't, for a second, assume that the trip to Southern California was a hedonistic 'girls gone wild' party of debauchery. Far from it. In fact, our tour was so packed up that I didn't have much chance to check out any of the things I wanted to. I didn't get to go to Taco Bell and I did not have any Twinkies. Besides, as you'll read on from the points below, L.A. isn't exactly a wild place...

Ten Things I Learnt In LA

1. Californians don't know how to party. Or, at least, they don't know how to party continously. Whilst the streets of KL are still rife with activity at two in the morning on a Monday, in Cali people go to sleep. They hang out at home and watch TV and the streets are a ghost town by eleven. Even in Hollywood. Example? This is Sunset Boulevard on a Tuesday night, the place where both the Viper Room and the Whiskey A-Go-Go reside:

Wow.

I asked a local about this. He said that the night only comes alive on weekends. In the meantime, people do their job and then they go home. Plus, it was Spring Break, and all the kids were in Tijuana.

But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps they know how to party, but it's an exclusive party, one that an alien-with-a-visa is not welcome to unless he or she was connected. No matter. If the party was there, I sure as shit wasn't.

2. Taxi's in L.A. are extortionately priced. Example? From my hotel in San Pedro to Sunset Boulevard cost eighty six bucks. Eight six?! On my last day, when I took a cab from Camarillo to a guitar centre in Oxnard, on the same road and only 7 miles away, I got charged twenty five bucks. This is insanity.

3. Islanders rule. As do Hispanics and African-Americans. Perhaps it's because we looked similar, I dunno, but amongst them I didn't feel too much like an alien-with-a-visa. A big shout out to Stephen the Cingular cellphone guy and Omar the Peruvian construction dude, though you may never read this.

No offence to white guys, but seriously, y'all Californians were just starring at me. Just plain starring. Why? Have you never seen an Asian in the VIP queue for the Jimmy Kimmel show before?

4. Hooters is overrated. And the food portions are tiny. Although I hear this is not the case in the southern states.

5. Hollywood Boulevard is not glamorous. In fact, all the way down the sidewalks, adorned with big golden stars and famous celebrities' names in them, are homeless people, panhandlers, pimps and pushers. A Vietnam vet asked me for change, for God's sake. I didn't think Vietnam vets still existed on the streets, but there he was. I was so taken aback I gave the guy a couple of bucks.

6. Dinner's with a show are a strange affair. And I don't mean like having a dinner at the Copa with Frank Sinatra crooning centre-stage. No, I mean the Pirates Dinner Experience (or whatever it was called), where you are served chicken and shrimp whilst facing a mock-up pirate ship and struggling actors, actresses, singers and stuntmen try to entertain you by stopping from eating every five minutes to raise your glass of coke and shout "AARRR!!" Good for the kids, though.

7. Goofy's an asshole. For those who've been reading this blog, you'll know that my only intention for going to Disneyland was to punch Goofy in the face and make him tell me just what kind of animal he's supposed to be. But as we got there the magic of the, well, magic kingdom took over and I was enchanted once again by seeing Mickey, Donald, Cinderella and Woody walk around, life-sized and plush. So when I saw Goofy I obviously wanted to take a photo with him.

And the bastard mutant dog dissed me.

The evil fucker raised his paw in a 'talk-to-the-hand' kind of way and walked off. But I'll have my revenge. Oh, yes. One day, I'll have my revenge. And when Doctor Moreau gets Goofy back and sees how badly beaten he is he'll lament ever creating the sordid creature.

8. Hollywood lies. It's weird. I always knew that making movies is all about presenting a reality, regardless of how real everything is, but seeing the actual sets and studio lots made me realize just how much of what we see on TV and in the movies is fake, and how goddamn well they pull it off. We went to Fox, Paramount and Warner Bros and their studio lots and soundstages are incredibly. We got a long way to go indeed.

9. Warner brothers sounds like 'Water Bladder' when spoken by an Asian, non-English speaking tour guide. And there was much merriment about this.

10. Liquids are weapons in the hands of terrorists. As are shoes. This is what I discovered at LAX. All liquids had to be put into a plastic baggie for inspection and shoes had to be x-rayed. I suppose the fear is that a terrorist will combine different proportions of different ordinary household liquids inside their shoes to make makeshift napalm bomb. Or something.

Well, that's it for the LA trip. It may sound sarcastic, but in truth I had lots of fun and everyone I travelled with were really cool, kick-ass, down-to-earth guys, especially Afdlin, Sheema and Hasnul, the trio I spent the most time with down in Southern Cali. I may not have even had time to make any phone calls (sorry, Jess! I really wanted to call but I didn't even get to call my girlfriend and parents more than once!) or meet anyone I supposed to or blog about it whilst I was there or even have a Taco Bell burrito, but I had fun, no doubt.

Now all I have to do is win next year so that I can finally give Goofy the thrashing the dumb fuck deserves.

And if you think I'm gonna write about what happened at Mickey's on Santa Monica Boulevard, well, that's between me and Jose.